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Explaining Cremation To A Child
Children and Death
The death of a family member or
friend not only affects adults, but also can have a profound impact on
children. Children experience
grief just as adults do. Child experts say that even before children are able
to talk, they grieve when
someone loved dies. And these feelings about the death become a part of their
lives forever.
It is important to remember that
children deal with death differently at
different ages and that their
reactions are not always obvious or
immediate. A child at two or
three years of age has little
understanding of the meaning of
death while one who is eight or nine
has a capacity to grasp life’s
mysteries
and will remember the
experience vividly. The level
of a child’s emotional development
should be taken into
consideration by the adult before talking to the
child about death or
death-related topics.
Adults who are willing to talk
openly about the death of a loved one
help a child understand that
grief is a
natural feeling when someone
has died. A child needs adults
to confirm that it’s all right to be sad
and to cry; that the hurt they
feel now won’t last forever.
Answering A Child's Questions
Caring parents can help a child
during a time of loss by being open,
honest and loving and by
responding
to his or her questions in a way
that shows they care.
When answering a child’s
questions, adults should keep in mind the
following:
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Tell
a child only what he or she is capable of understanding.
There is no need to be evasive,
but modify
explanations to what
the child can comprehend. A too
complicated reply often
confuses a child.
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Use
language that the child can understand.
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What
is said is important, but the manner in which it is said has even greater
significance. Be aware of
voice tone. Try to answer the
questions in a matter-of-fact way without too much emotion.
__
Remember
that what is communicated without words can be just as meaningful to a child as
what is
actually said.
It is not unusual for a child
to ask the same question again and again. Repeating questions and getting
answers help the child
understand and adjust to the loss of someone loved.
Explaining Cremation
When a deceased family member
or friend is to be cremated or already has been cremated, your child may
want to know what cremation is.
In answering your child’s questions about cremation, keep in mind the
guidelines that have already
been outlined in this leaflet. Keep your explanation of what cremation
involves simple and
easy-to-understand.
In explaining cremation to your
child, avoid words that may have a frightening connotation such as “fire”
and “burn”. Instead, in a
straight-forward manner, tell your child that the deceased body, enclosed in a
casket or container, is taken
to a place call a crematory where it goes through a special process that
reduces
it to small particles
resembling fine gray or white sand. Be sure to point out that a dead body feels
no pain.
Let your child know that these
cremated remains are placed in a container called an urn and returned to the
family. If cremation has
already taken place and the container picked up, you may want to show it to the
child. Because children are
curious, your child may want to look at the contents. If your child makes such
a request, look at them
yourself first so that you can describe what they look like. Share this with
your
child. Then let the child
decide whether to proceed further.
If possible, arrange for a time
when you and your child can be with the body before the cremation is carried
out. If handled correctly, this
time can be a positive experience for the child. It can provide an opportunity
for the child to say “goodbye”
and accept the reality of death. However, the viewing of the body should
not be forced. Use your best
judgment on whether or not this should be done.
Depending on the age of your
child, you may wish to include him or her in the planning of what will be
done with the cremated remains.
Before you do this, familiarize yourself with the many types of cremation
memorials available. Some of
the many options to consider include burying the remains in a family burial
plot, interring them in an urn
garden that many cemeteries have, or placing the urn in a columbarium niche.
Defined as a recessed
compartment, the niche may be an open front protected by glass or a closed
front
faced with bronze, marble, or
granite. (An arrangement of niches is called a columbarium, which may be
an entire building, a room, a
bank along a corridor or a series of special indoor alcoves. It also may be
part
of an outdoor setting such as a
garden wall.) Although your child may not completely understand these or
other options for
memorialization, being involved in the planning helps establish a sense of
comfort and
understanding that life goes on
even though someone loved has died.
If you incur any
difficulties in explaining death or cremation to your child, you may wish to
consult a child
guidance counselor
who specializes in these areas.
When a child asks
questions about cremation, adults should be prepared to answer.
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